who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
