you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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