Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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