If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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