i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm way too hungover for life right now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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