He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
