You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
