How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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