Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just took my morning after pill in the library
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
