Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Never underestimate the power of titties
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
