i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
