Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
