hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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