its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
