Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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