this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
