Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
