He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
