she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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