Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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