i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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