whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
