birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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