I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
