My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
