You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
