Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
