I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
