Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
