im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
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