Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
