guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I love having hate sex.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
