if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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