I want you more than these girls want KFC
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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