So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize