I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
