guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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