Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
