I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
