even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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