oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
