my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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