he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
