i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
