You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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