I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
