just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
