so that wasnt chicken after all
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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