we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
