nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
