don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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