Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
