Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
