My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Pappa wants mamma naked
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
