omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
