What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Randomize
