If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
