I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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