It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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